Navigating the University of Wisconsin Hospital is Like a Questing Video Game

This post originated as a concerningly long Facebook status.
You’ve seen this level before, do you remember what to do? Take the underground tunnel to H. Battle through the hordes in the taco salad line. Is there a path to D from here? Can’t remember. Press up arrows to take the stairs to Main Street. A menu pops up: “Talk to people and ask for help YES/NO.” Choose NO (you are running low on minutes-left tokens).
Spot a sign post. Check your satchel for a decoder—didn’t you take a decoder off the corpse of an intern in the ladies’ room? No decodeWord jumbler, so sign is a useless jumble of letters. Is it path D or path B that leads to your destination? Choose path B. Another menu pops up: A bewildered elderly patient wants to form an alliance YES/NO. Choose NO, you probably don’t know where he’s going and he will only get you more lost. Path B peters out. Where are you? You are in the VA. Dammit.Your minutes-left meter is turning red.
Turn around and retrace steps to Main Street. This time choose Path D. Find wild fruit. Path D veers to the right and ends abruptly. Menu pops up: “You have reached the Centennial Building Parking Lot. 1) Ford the lot 2) Take the hidden elevator to the bridge across the lot.” You check your satchel and find you have three warmness tokens but only one minute-left token, and decide to ford the lot. Press down arrow to accelerate.
You have crossed the Parking Lot safely. Enter the Centennial building and summon the elevator. Angry gods rain cacophony down upon you—you have hit the fire button by accident. Lose three pride points. Elevator doors open and—GAME OVER. You have run out of minutes left. You are eaten by a troll.

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