I Read the Anti-Vaccine Doctor’s Manifesto so You Don’t Have to

YoureWelcomeIt is a frequent theme in anti-vaccination circles that you should not follow medical advice just because a doctor told you to. I 100% agree. Any doctor who cannot articulate her reasoning to you, acts like you aren’t capable of understanding the issues affecting your own body and mind just because you aren’t a doctor, or answers your question with any variation of “Because I said so,” deserves your mistrust. As is true for most professions, some doctors are stars, most are competent and worth working with, and a few need to find another line of work. Even great doctors make mistakes, or just get the wrong end of the stick on certain issues. You shouldn’t take anything a doctor says as gospel just because of the degree he holds. After all, some unlucky day you might find yourself in the care of a reprehensible sleazebag that has somehow oozed through the cracks in the medical system and is still allowed to call himself a physician–someone like Jack Wolfson.

If you’re lucky enough to have missed out on this man’s recent antics, I am so, so jealous. Anyway a few days ago this dude went on his local NBC affiliate station to discourage people from vaccinating, and then got on CNN and into USA Today. It is frowned upon for medical students to call doctors names (hi residency programs!), so please know that I did not make the decision lightly to say the following: a white coat stuffed full of kegel weights would give better medical advice than this guy.

Now he has put out a piece of writing on a site called Vaccine Impact (whatever the farts that is), titled “Why all the anger?” Jack Wolfson is really, really confused about all the anger, see. So confused. It is definitely a problem that the people who are angry at him are having. It’s definitely not a rational reaction to something he did. It’s like if you woke up one morning to find a sounder of warthogs had moved into your apartment, you would totally ask, “Why all the warthogs?” It would be really confusing. It’s kind of like that.

I’m not going to link to the original piece because I don’t care to boost its traffic any higher. Google it yourselves if you want it that bad. I will, however, be quoting from the piece below, and answering his title question for him.

Take it away, Jack:

I recently did an interview which was aired on NBC Phoenix. I was asked my opinion on vaccinations in response to the current measles outbreaks that have occurred at Disneyland in California. My reply has generated quite a bit of anger in thousands of people.

In case you missed it, 84 people in 14 states now have measles from this outbreak.

There has also been a tremendous amount of support to my comments and opinions. In short, The Society Against Injecting Our Kids With Chemicals (TSAIOKWC for short) has a lot of followers.

Well we’re mad about this part, because here at The Society Against Infecting Other People’s Kids With Lethal Contagions (TSAIOPKWLC), we love injecting children. The flu mist and the oral vaccines for polio and rotavirus are great, but there’s nothing quite as satisfying as making a child cry. When I get home from work, even if it’s been a really long and frustrating day, the first thing I do is release one of the children from the cage area, let it run around for a bit, then tackle it and give it a Hep B shot. Once I have harvested its tears to power my jet pack, I let it go, cackling, “That’s just round one of three!” It really clears my head.

And that’s nothing compared with the high you get knowing you’ve injected a kid with chemicals. I mean–chemicals! They’re so sinister and awful. Sometimes when I can’t sleep I like to wake up one of the cage children by whispering, “We’re all made of chemicals. The very oxygen you breathe is a chemical.” They never get back to sleep, but I’m out the second my head hits the pillow. Infectious agents on the other hand are totally natural, good-smelling, and benign. Mumps, I mean the word just sounds cute, doesn’t it?

Some of my fellow TSAIOPKWLC members have argued that we’re depriving the world of an important source of child tears by drastically reducing the risk of these children contracting a disease that would cause real suffering, but I just can’t help it. I love the needles.

I want to address all this misguided anger and see if we can re-direct it where it belongs.

Jack Wolfson knows where your anger belongs. Your anger just got disoriented on the way to Water Aerobics and lost its way–he’s going to redirect it for you.

1. Be angry at food companies. Sugar cereals, donuts, cookies, and cupcakes lead to millions of deaths per year. At its worst, chicken pox killed 100 people per year. If those chicken pox people didn’t eat cereal and donuts, they may still be alive. Call up Nabisco and Kellogg’s and complain. Protest their products. Send THEM hate-mail.

That’s right, folks. Cupcakes are worse than meningitis. Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Cookie Monster. That’s pretty much the whole list. In fact, because Kix kills millions of people (I’m pretty sure that’s true. Also pretty sure those people are children. Right?), you should stop calling Jack Wolfson out on his nonsense. Someone over there is doing a bad thing, therefore what I am doing is right. The logic is so compelling. He didn’t even wait to pull out this classic derailing tactic, it’s right up there at number one.

2. Be angry at fast food restaurants. Tortured meat burgers, pesticide fries, and hormone milkshakes are the problem. The problem is not Hepatitis B which is a virus contracted by drug users and those who sleep with prostitutes. And you want to inject that vaccine into your newborn?

Interestingly, one of the groups of people at greatest risk for Hepatitis B are newborns, who can get the disease from their mothers. But FYI, if you have an addiction to an injectable drug, perform sex work, or have sex with someone who does, Jack Wolfson would like you to know that you are less important than the cows that become hamburger.

3. Be angry at the companies who make your toxic laundry detergent, fabric softener, and dryer sheets. You and your children are wearing and breathing known carcinogens (they cause cancer). Call Bounce and Downy and let them know. These products kill more people than mumps, a virus which actually doesn’t cause anyone to die. Same with hepatitis A, a watery diarrhea.

What do we have to say to someone who stops to explain the definition of the word carcinogen, but provides no explanation for his claim that everything that does not kill you is safer than clean laundry? We say, “Spoken like a man who has never had a scrotal abscess caused by mumps.” It is true that mumps is not typically fatal, but it does cause fun things like male infertility and deafness. I’m sure Jack Wolfson is working tirelessly to change our built environment to accommodate Deaf children and adults and allow them the full pursuit of their civil rights. And you don’t want grandchildren anyway, so no biggie. As for Hep A, merely a few weeks of watery diarrhea and a touch of liver disease. That’s no big deal for a kid, or for their parents, I’m sure your job will totally give you those weeks off to care for your sick kid. Not many people wind up needing liver transplants, it’s fine. Dryer sheets are way worse.

Seriously does anyone know where this claim comes from? Because I have not been able to find it.

4. Be angry at all the companies spewing pollution into our environment. These chemicals and heavy metals are known to cause autism, heart disease, cancer, autoimmune disease and every other health problem. Worldwide, these lead to 10’s of millions of deaths every year. Measles deaths are a tiny fraction compared to pollution.

Haaaaa ha ha ha ha. Known to cause autism. And every. other. health. problem. There is literally no health problem that is not caused by environmental pollution. And also the fact that pollution exists means you should stop being mad at Jack Wolfson.

5. Be angry at your parents for not breastfeeding you, co-sleeping with you, and stuffing your face with Domino’s so they can buy more Tide and finish the laundry. Breastfeeding protects your children from many infectious diseases.

Parents are so selfish. Trying to finish the laundry–can you imagine? Their precious children are right there in front of them, but they just love Tide more than they love their children.

On the reals now, though, breastfeeding does protect children from infectious diseases, but only a) while you are breastfeeding and b) provided you yourself have immunity against those diseases.

6. Be angry with your doctor for being close-minded and not disclosing the ingredients in vaccines (not that they read the package insert anyway). They should tell you about the aluminum, mercury, formaldehyde, aborted fetal tissue, animal proteins, polysorbate 80, antibiotics, and other chemicals in the shots. According to the Environmental Working Group, newborns contain over 200 chemicals as detected by cord blood. Maybe your doctor feels a few more chemicals injected into your child won’t be a big deal.

Some thoughts on vaccine ingredients follow.

Aluminum: Also found in pots and pans.

Mercury: Even if it were unsafe, which it isn’t, mercury is no longer an ingredient in routine vaccines.

Formaldehyde: Way less in a vaccine than in a banana.

Fetal tissue: This is a lie.

Polysorbate 80: Commonly found in ice cream.

Animal proteins: Also found in ice cream.

Antibiotics: I like my medicine contaminated, thank you very much. That’s why I go with un- to loosely regulated treatments like homeopathy.

Over 200 chemicals: Cord blood containing zero chemicals would be made of anti-matter, and that would be pretty weird.

It must really suck to have to deal with a closed-minded doctor.

7. Be angry with the cable companies and TV manufacturers for making you and your children fat and lazy, not wanting to exercise or play outside. Lack of exercise kills millions more than polio. Where are all those 80 year olds crippled by polio? I can’t seem to find many.

He just can’t find them. Where could they possibly be? Dr. Wolfson–can I call you Jack?–Since you’re too lazy to do a google search, I would love to introduce you to my grandmother, for whom I was named. I can’t, because she’s dead, but also because she would have very little patience for your shenanigans. She got polio at age 3, leaving her permanently disabled. Among other consequences, this was the reason she was not allowed to enroll in teaching school–they said having braces on her legs meant she couldn’t get the kids out fast enough in a fire. Two of her eight siblings were also permanently disabled as a result of their polio infections. ETA: Also, nice choice of words.

Iron Lungs

These children’s breathing muscles were not paralyzed. They are just playing hide and seek inside these iron lungs.

8. In fact, be angry with Steve Jobs and Bill Gates for creating computers so you can sit around all day blasted with electromagnetic radiation reading posts like this.

Posts like this are indeed a reason to regret the invention of the computer.

9. Be angry with pharmaceutical companies for allowing us to believe living the above life can be treated with drugs. Correctly prescribed drugs kill thousands of people per year. The flu kills just about no one. The vaccine never works.Never...

Five children have already died from the flu, just here in Wisconsin, just this year. Fifty-six across the U.S. In adults, death from influenza is much more common. Over a 30-year period the CDC estimates the yearly rate of influenza deaths as ranging from “a low of about 3,000 to a high of about 49,000 people.” Where Jack Wolfson’s estimate of “just about no one” comes from is unclear.

Nor is it clear what basis he might have for his claim that the vaccine never works. Some scientists using data on actual people found that the flu shot reduces the number of children hospitalized with a life-threatening infection by 75%, and reduces adult deaths from influenza by 71%.

Finally, be angry with yourself for not opening your eyes to the snow job and brainwashing which have taken over your mind. You NEVER asked the doctor any questions. You NEVER asked what is in the vaccines. You NEVER learned about these benign infections.

Jack Wolfson knows you really well. You have never met him, but he knows everything he needs to know about you because you are angry at him. That means you have NEVER asked questions of any doctor. Because the only possible outcome of asking a doctor questions is to stop being angry at Jack Wolfson.

Also, benign infections. I forgot he actually used those words. I was just kidding before. But he actually said it.

Let’s face it, you don’t really give a crap what your children eat. You don’t care about chemicals in their life. You don’t care if they sit around all day watching the TV or playing video games.

Wow. Those are mean things to say. Because you have a problem with what he said about vaccines, you don’t care about your kids?

All you care about is drinking your Starbuck’s, your next plastic surgery, your next cocktail, your next affair, and your next sugar fix!

Maybe it’s just the exclamation point, but…it kind of seems like Jack Wolfson hates people who don’t agree with him. Like…he needs to create a straw man to argue with? And, hang on…is it just me or does it seems like that’s a straw woman?  If I didn’t know any better I would have said he seems…almost…angry.

This post was created with love and with the idea of creating a better world for our children and future generations. Anger increases your risk of suffering a heart attack. Be careful.

He is so much better than anger. All he does is threaten people that if they don’t leave him alone they’re going to get a heart attack. This is so lovingly full of love. Yeah that’s probably what it’s full of.

I wonder why people don’t trust doctors.

One of the Ways Doctors Kill Their Patients

A fabulous piece ran in xojane today, which I is incidentally written by one of my oldest, dearest and kickassest friends.

He asked what I ate, but he didn’t wait for an answer. I had to exercise more, he said, having no idea how much I was exercising. I also needed to eat less than whatever it was I was eating which I hadn’t gotten a chance to tell him. Dear god, what cutting-edge medical research! I certainly never thought of “eat less and exercise more,” especially not when I was bulimic, which incidentally is in that file of papers you’re holding which we like to call “records.”

“I’m not concerned about it,” I said tightly, “and if it comes up again I’m going to have to find another doctor.”

“Any other doctor would tell you the same,” he said, as though I hadn’t been coming to him, just as fat as now, for several years.

“Well, I prefer a doctor who at least waits to hear what I eat before telling me to eat less.”

He looked exasperated. “There’s no possible way you’re not eating too much.”

I’m pretty lucky not to have encountered the circular fat logic when I’ve been on the patient side; I suspect one of the privileges of future doctors is exemption from the shaming ritual. But I this assumption is sooo widespread and sooo insidious. The thinking goes that everyone’s weight is a direct result of the quantity that they eat. Therefore, all fat people are eating too much because any amount of food that is eaten while being fat is too much. Any fat person in recovery from an eating disorder can explain to you what’s wrong with that line of reasoning, but, you know, they shouldn’t have to.

Another excerpt I want to make sure you notice (although, really you should just go read the whole thing):

Obese women — by which, just to make it clear, I mean women whose weight divided by their height squared is greater than 30, not any of the more colloquial uses of “obese” like “too fat to be attractive to me” — are more likely to get cervical cancer, and more likely to die from it.  Sure, we could blame this on the very fact of obesity, because blaming things on obesity is a fun party game for some people, but then there’s the inconvenient fact that obese women are also way less likely to get regular cervical cancer screenings.

Since the Pap smear is a towering triumph of public health, with an incontrovertibly strong correlation between regular screenings and lowered cancer rates, it’s not too far-fetched to posit that fat women would be less likely to get lady cancers if they were more likely to get regular exams.

And why, oh why, might you not get regular exams if you were a fat woman?

This is one of the ways doctors kill their patients.